I've finally realized why Sir Charles of Chunk's diet has been working so well, and mine has not. HE IS A SHITTY DIET COMPANION.
I'm all like, "Here is your food for today. Enjoy it, buddy."
He, on the other hand, is all "Oh my gosh you're in the kitchen!! I love the kitchen! Let's have food! I do a cute and goofy dance and then you can reward me with a treat like these cookies riiiiiiiiight over here. See? Yummy! Now drop one, woman." And Zuul wanders in all "can has'ing?" but his anus explodes violently every time he eats anything, and rather than make him sad by giving charles a cookie and not Zuul, I just eat the entire fucking bag to destroy the temptation.
FAIL.
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